Trying my blog again

Ok, I’m going to give my blog a try again.

I’m still worried that Mr. SBF is going to somehow manage to get it suspended again.  Almost every day I come to my blog and wonder, did he manage to get it suspended again today?

I’m going to tell the story about what happened again but I’m going to leave out people’s names since I’m pretty sure that’s what got it suspended before.  It’s easy for them to just not think about it and “get over it” but after over a year of worrying almost every day if he’s going to get it suspended again, I’ve naturally gotten a little gun-shy and I have a right to defend myself!

Almost every day, as I come to my blog and worry about whether Mr. SBF has gotten my blog suspended again, I think about the events over and over, trying to figure out what I did or said that was so horrible that they felt justified in calling me what they did.

Oh sure, I’ve been called names before.  After all, I’m a man who wore women’s clothes when I was a teen and flits around the house like a flaming queen when I’m drunk and alone.  And I like white on purple backgrounds and lavender flowers and lavender body wash and cute cuddly furry creatures and adorable little girls and babies and I sleep with a Teddy Bear.  And I hate talk about cars and violent action movies and football and basketball and romantic/sexual “conquests” and teasing people about being a “girly man” (or any kind of teasing at all, even good natured teasing).

But I’ve never been called the things they called me (except by the occasional, completely unknown, whacko, commenter on youtube) and with no justification whatsoever.  Sure, I did and said a few stupid things that hurt some people (and I deeply regret that ;'(  ) but I never, ever, once said anything that would lead a reasonable person to call me that.

Sure, I can understand how some people are homophobes and disgusted by a man who sometimes wishes he were a woman and usually gets along better with females than males.  I can understand how such homophobes might think he’s a “pervert”.  I can understand how they could even be suspicious of such a person and wouldn’t want them to even be on the same planet as their children much less look at them (Oh my Goddess!)  or leave a comment on their blog or video.  But you don’t say the things they said out loud!! (figuratively speaking). Go ahead and be suspicious (you should be suspicious of everyone anyway).   Even block me.  I’m used to the prejudice and homophobia.  But don’t say such horrible things to a person’s face (figuratively speaking) (especially if you don’t have the slightest bit of evidence to indicate it’s true)  and don’t allow your child to leave horrible public comments on their channel.  If you do, you are responsible for your underage child’s behavior!  Especially when you’re negligently complicit in their behavior by actually creating a site for them when they’re waaay under the minimum age allowed.

I can especially understand how you might be suspicious if that man is “talking” to “little girls” on the internet or befriending them.  But you might try verifying that there’s some truth to those claims before you actually say something like that to a person’s face (figuratively speaking) or allow your underage child to say them in a public comment on their Youtube channel!  What you don’t understand is that sites like Youtube and WordPress aren’t like Facebook.  Youtube and WordPress are publishing sites, not socialization sites.  Leaving a comment on a child’s post on those sites is about as significant as if a child were to post a letter to the editor in a newspaper and you were to post a reply to it.  It’s not like they’re children’s socialization sites.  They’re not Club Penguin or Romper Room.  You’re supposed to be a minimum of 13 and most of the people hosting channels and blogs are adults (and I personally think 13 is too young for Youtube).  The vast majority of the time when I comment on a video or channel or blog, I don’t even pay attention to who it is.  To me, it’s just an article or video and if it’s something that’s of interest to me, I respond to it.  And yes, even little kids occasionally post things that are of interest to adults.

I mean, come on!  Think about it!  I knew them for almost a year before this happened. I only very occasionally commented on their blogs and videos, never said anything inappropriate, never “chatted” with them, never tried to sound or act like a child, NEVER told them I was a woman (the subject never came up and they never asked), never pretended to like the little kid things they like, never tried to look them up on Club Penguin, or Build A Bear or Webkinz whatever, or Facebook, or Myspace, or Formspring, or Mindspring, or AIM, or Tinychat, or Twitter or any of the other places they might hang out.  Why would I do that if I were some kind of “stalker” out to get them?!  For almost a year?  That’s absurd.

I’m sorry they thought Youtube (and in M’s case WordPress) were socialization sites and they thought the people on it were their “friends” (that’s one of the reasons they shouldn’t be on them at their age).  I really didn’t intend for it to happen 😦 and didn’t realize it was happening until it was too late and apparently they thought they had formed some kind of a bond with me.  Then I tried to back out, but it all went very badly.  To be honest, I apparently did form some kind of a bond with M too.  I didn’t intend to.  I didn’t realize I had, until one day when I was trying to help her with a problem with her blog (I’m a computer programmer and I work the help desk so I do those kinds of things) and she suddenly, totally out of the blue, gave me admin rights to her blog and asked me to fix it.  It was then that I realized she had apparently developed some sort of bond with me and I was so touched by her child-like trust that I guess the incident caused me to form some kind of bond with her.  I won’t deny it.  She’s a great kid and I like her.

I also realized then that it was inappropriate and it kind of scared me.  I had never intended to develop a bond with a little girl on the internet who knew nothing at all about me, but there it was.  I knew it wasn’t a good idea for her to have a bond with somebody she didn’t know anything about, so I decided to quietly drop out of her life, and approached her adult friend about keeping an eye on her for me (since there was no evidence that her parents were doing so and I didn’t have their email addresses or Facebook accounts or anything) but her adult friend freaked out on me.  I guess she must have formed some kind of bond with me too.  (Damn!  What is with these internet newbies forming bonds with people they know nothing about?)

Well, anyway, that’s enough for now.

I’m going to be living in trepidation for the next fews months, wondering every day, if he’s going to somehow figure out how to get my blog suspended again.  I think I have a right to talk about something that has affected my life almost daily for so long but I don’t know about WordPress.  The last time, I thought I understood their Terms of Service but apparently I didn’t and they wouldn’t tell me why they suspended it.  Apparently it was because I gave out his full name.  It doesn’t say that in the TOS.  It says you shouldn’t give out personal information like addresses and phone numbers but it never said anything about names.  Especially since it’s a name that used to be publicly posted on the Saint Baldrick’s web site and I didn’t use it to slander him (insult him yes! but not slander) or even connect his name with anything concrete where anybody could find him like his email address, Facebook account or even his Youtube channel which he doesn’t use.  If either he or WordPress had just told me what the problem was, I would have gladly and immediately removed it.  Hell, after his daughter defended him, I removed the most insulting comments I’d made since they upset her and I didn’t want to upset her (though I’m still not clear on why they’re reading my blog if it upsets them so much).

I do apologize to his daughter for having made her cry by my insults to her father and I deeply regret having done it for her sake, but until her father apologizes to me, I don’t apologize to him.

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