Grief never goes away & I think I might be psychic

Ever since we rolled out a new version of our software on Nov 1, 2010, I’ve been insanely busy. For the first 12 days, I literally crawled out of bed at about 8:15 or 8:30 AM each day, went to my office, worked, took my Ambien at about midnight and passed out in my office chair at around 1 AM. Then I’d wake up around 3 or 4 AM, go to my bedroom, crawl into bed and fall asleep until the alarm went off at 8:00 AM. The only breaks I took were bathroom breaks, the occasional snack, 10 minutes for lunch and 15 minutes for dinner and a few minutes here and there while waiting for servers to re-start to post a few comments/debates/arguments on youtube or wordpress. Oh yeah, and a quick 5 minute shower once every 3 days.

Then, for the next 3 weeks I started going into work again and worked about 14 hours a day with minimal breaks. I finally got my first day off on Thanksgiving day. Amazingly, I had the Friday after Thanksgiving and that weekend as well! I also got last weekend mostly off, only having to work about 3 hours the entire weekend.

Some of my co-workers worked even more but I’m getting older (50) and have Fibromyalgia so I have to get at least 6 or 7 hours of sleep a day or I absolutely can’t function.

At any rate, I’m just saying all this to explain why I haven’t been on WordPress or youtube much lately. 🙂

What I really wanted to talk about is the pain of a sorrowful or traumatic experience and how it never goes away. You never really completely get over it. It never hurts less, it just hurts less often and each episode of grief doesn’t last as long.

The reason I’m mentioning this today is because I’ve had two relatively recent experiences with grief and one of them suddenly, for no particular reason that I can understand, suddenly reared its ugly head again today. For no particular reason, out of the blue, I felt the same grief again while I was driving home from work and tears fell from my eyes. Tears are afflicting my vision even now as I write this.

I’m not going to mention what these experiences were but the most recent was about a year ago. That one is an open wound because the person it involves won’t talk to me so I have no way of resolving it. It’s certainly not the most painful experience I’ve ever had but it’s one for which I have no closure. I can’t even ask for forgiveness or apologize or explain my side of the story. It’s been a very long time since I’ve experienced grief for which there is no closure so I’m not sure how to deal with it.

I’m extremely sensitive so I decided many years ago to avoid close relationships as much as possible. Unfortunately, a relationship happened that I never intended to happen. That I didn’t want to happen. (No, I’m not talking about sexual or romantic here).

I’ve become pretty happy with my reclusiveness and I really wish this “relationship” had never happened. When I realized what was happening, I tried to back out, but it went very badly. Yeah, it was an internet “relationship” and the other person apparently had a sense of familiarity that I never realized existed. To me, it was just somebody whose channel/blog I commented on from time to time though I admired and respected them (I still do) because this person was a, well, minor celebrity. This person doesn’t even know they were somewhat of a celebrity. That’s why it hurt so badly. Because I respect and admire the person and the rejection of a person you respect and admire is always the most painful.

So what does this have to do with being psychic?

Well, today at work, we had a little Christmas party and they gave out stupid little raffle prizes. 🙂 Suddenly I had a very deep sense of certainty that my number was going to be called. And sure enough, it was. Unfortunately it was basketball tickets and I hate basketball. So I gave them to a co-worker.

But then on the way home, this incident of a year ago suddenly came to mind and I started crying totally out of the blue. I just have a really strong feeling that something happened to somebody related to this event and I picked it up psychically. Well. Maybe anyway. 🙂

This entry was posted in crying, grief, life, love, Personal Information, relationships, sorrow and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Grief never goes away & I think I might be psychic

  1. Skydancer (Guardian Angel) says:

    Tessting to see if I can leave a comment

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