What more can I say? Kindness makes me cry because there’s so little of it in this world. And because I’ve felt so little of it. It’s so hard to find people who are kind to those who are different. As for me, I’ve mostly chosen to withdraw from the world. I’m able to maintain a facade at work, but I get so emotionally tired that when I come home I don’t want to socialize with anybody.
You’d think I’d get used to it eventually, but it’s actually the opposite. The older I get, the less tolerance I have for unkindness. Well, except I guess I get hurt by it. I don’t want any friends any more. They hurt too much. I have one friend left because she’s never been unkind to me. Others? Well, there was Dxxxx, who cheated with the love of my life and then accused her of stealing from him. She didn’t! We drifted apart after that.
Then there was Lxxxxx who tried to rob me and was a Meth addict. I put her in jail for a few days. I can’t believe she called me the other day to find out if her daughter, who had run away from home, had come to me! Come on! I never knew your daughter! Why would she come to me?
Then there’s Lxxxx who DID rob me and played me for a fool for years! She turned out to be a sociopathic criminal and crack addict who played my heartstrings like a master composer! I haven’t heard from her in at least 2 years!
Dxxxx and I are still friends but but she blew up at me once and trapped me into either feeling like a coward (for walking out) or being viciously berated for something that wasn’t my fault. We’ve kind of drifted apart since then and I only see her once in a while.
Then there’s Jxxxxx We drifted apart after he moved to San Francisco to dance.
As for Cxxxxxxx, she got married and her husband was too jealous of me.
I know! I’m a wimp! I’m a loser! But it’s because I simply can’t handle unkindness! I have no tolerance for those who aren’t. I find myself becoming less and less tolerant of unkindness as I get older. The more of it I see, the more sensitized I get to it. It’s not supposed to be like that. You’re supposed to get DE-sensitized to things like that. Violence, cruelty, stage-fright. But I quit dancing because every time I went out on stage I got more and more afraid. It just wasn’t fun any more and I’m becoming less and less tolerant of violent movies.
And I’m still a REALLY good computer programmer who has outlasted EVERY other computer programmer in ALL my jobs!!! I may be a loser at relationships, but I’m the best computer programmer you’ll EVER know!
I DO have one BFF who has stood by me since she was 12-years-old! So screw all you jerks who can’t accept a man who loves kindness! That’s all I need any more. I’ve found that as I become more and more sensitized to unkindness, I’ve become more leery of social relationships. I just don’t get lonely any more.
When I was a young man, I would come home and check my phone messages and say, “No messages! Darn!”. These days I come home and check my phone messages and ssay, “No Messages Thank Goddess!” with a sigh of relief.