I wish you could have gotten to know me, you would have liked me! :)

It’s so unfortunate that you had to find out about me the way you did. I wish I had gotten to know you as myself from the beginning. You would like me if you did! 🙂 But I had never intended to form a bond with you and, I suppose you never DID form a bond with me. That’s the trouble with the internet. You show yourself off and tell others about your life, and they form a bond with you, but they can’t, or won’t tell you about themselves so you don’t form a bond with them.

I just wish I knew why you hate me so much. Is it just because you found out I’m a man, and not a woman? Do you think I “pretended” to be a woman? I didn’t. You DO know that I told M.M. because I KNEW she would tell YOU, don’t you? I suppose I shouldn’t have done it that way. I should have told you myself. But I was too afraid of how you would react if I told you myself. I guess the result was even worse. Do you just hate all men?

Is it because you’re prejudiced towards men who sometimes wish they were a woman? I never said anything mean to you. Yeah, I screwed up with M.M. but I was just trying to protect you and I made up for it didn’t I? Isn’t she your friend on Facebook to this day?

Is it because I supposedly harassed your sister? I didn’t, you know. I was just trying to get her to stop acting in such a dangerous manner on youtube. And then she freaked out when you told her I was a man. She over-reacted and I just tried to convince her she didn’t need to be afraid of me because I didn’t want her to be afraid.

Well, anyway, I know I can’t contact you and you can’t contact me but I still wish I understood. I know you just think of me as “that stalker on the internet” but I’m actually a human being with feelings and I’m not a stalker. I just have a very hard time with somebody hating me and I really, really, really, wish I understood why.

Someday when your father is no longer your ruler, will you contact me and tell me how you felt? Will you tell me what I did that was so terrible? I will do ANYTHING I can to make up for it if you tell me, but I can’t if I don’t understand!

This entry was posted in Internet Behaviors, Personal Information, youtube. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to I wish you could have gotten to know me, you would have liked me! :)

  1. Salman Latif says:

    I find in you a very sensible person who really listens to what others have got to say. I wonder how can someone hate you 🙂

  2. Nobodoy says:

    Thank you for your kind words Salman :’) It means a lot to me!

    I’m glad you asked! For some strange reason, this is something I can’t tell unless somebody asks. I tried to prompt M. to ask but she backed out just as I thought I was about to convince her. 🙂 Ah well, people just don’t always act as we wish they would, do they? 🙂

    Sometimes I do and say stupid things in my quest to challenge people’s assumptions and prejudices.

    When I first got on youtube, I created a channel that many would consider feminine. You can see it yourself if you wish. It’s at http://www.youtube.com/skydancer365. The background is purple with white text and the background picture is a field of lavender flowers. The channel “icon” is of a young (perhaps 11 or 12-year-old) girl with a dour look and a red peace sign painted on her face.

    This channel is a representation of the inner me. The purple and lavender flowers express my somewhat feminine (and perhaps a touch “royal” 🙂 ) sensitive and mostly gentle nature. The girl with the peace sign painted on her face expresses my apprehension about the state of the world and my desire to protect and nurture it.

    The channel was ME! But I didn’t want most of my friends (except for a few of my closest) and family to know about it because I didn’t want them to know the real me. So I didn’t give my real name. I actually simply used the name Skydancer at first but later changed it to “Angel”.

    One of the things I noticed after a while, is that youtube doesn’t display your gender! At first I was surprised, but I decided not to tell anybody what gender I am. I never mentioned it on my channel and was extremely careful not to say anything that would give it away. I always promised myself that if anybody EVER asked, I would tell them the truth.

    I’m not entirely sure why. Partially, I guess because I wanted to conduct a little experiment to test the depth of people’s gender assumptions. Partially, perhaps it was because it was easier, since I could express some of my more feminine feelings and ideas without being viewed as a “weirdo” (as I have been most of my life). I guessed that some people thought I was a woman but I tried very hard not to form any relationships. It turns out that people’s gender assumptions were FAR deeper than I had ever realized. To my astonishment, not ONE person EVER asked my gender!

    Eventually, I began to understand that I couldn’t maintain the charade much longer because I despise being secretive.

    Somewhere along the way, I acquired a self imposed “duty” which was to keep an eye on some underage, unsupervised children that I happened to run across on youtube. I tried to avoid developing any kind of “relationship” with them but, I’m me. I can’t help commenting on videos and blogs from time to time. It’s a compulsion. I tried to keep it to a minimum in order to avoid developing a relationship with them, but I suppose they looked at it differently.

    I guess to me, I “only” knew them for almost a year whereas to them, I knew them for almost a “WHOLE” year! 🙂 *sigh* The differences in the perceptions of time between the young and the old can be profound and I failed to recognize that. It’s difficult to remember that you’re dealing with young children when they’re just words on a screen.

    Also, they seem to place more importance on the time since the beginning of the relationship than adults do. There’s one young woman I know who loves me almost like a father but I’ve only seen her about 5 or 6 times since she was 5 years old (when I lived with her mother for about 4 months!). It’s unfortunate, and I love her, but to me she’s a young woman I barely know whereas she thinks of me as almost a father! I don’t understand these things! I’ve also noticed this with my nephew (24 years old) who I’ve only seen at family gatherings once or twice a year since he was born, yet he considers me a close confidant. i consider him a young man I barely know.

    I failed to understand that with these children. I should never have posted even a single comment on their videos and blogs, no matter how innocuous and benign they were. But I did. And I think they developed a bond with me that i didn’t realize they’d developed and had never intended. Despite the fact that I’m a computer programmer, I’m “old” and grew up in a different era. I’ve had very little experience with socializing on the internet and I’m still learning how to deal with it.

    At any rate, when I decided to “come out”, I did it to M. knowing that she would tell one of these children (the older one) who would almost certainly tell her younger sister. I didn’t exactly “tell” M. I sort of “revealed” it by creating a facebook channel that showed my gender as male. I tried to convince her to take over my “duty” of watching over them (since their parents weren’t) and I suspected the gig would be up once they knew my gender. But she refused. *sigh* The young don’t always do as we wish they would, do they? 🙂

    Anyway, one day, when I was trying to convince the younger one that she should take down her background picture because it was provocative and would attract “bad guys”, she revealed that she knew I was a man, blocked me and posted a rather vile public comment on my channel. I guess the revelation that I wasn’t a woman kind of freaked her out! 🙂

    I then created a new, fake channel, to try to convince her that I was only trying to protect her. She blocked that one too and sent another nasty messages, so I created another. This went back and forth a few times until she got frustrated enough to 1. Take the picture down 🙂 and 2. Get her father involved who decided that I was stalking his daughter without even ATTEMPTING to get my side of the story and threatened to contact youtube and the FBI if I didn’t stop bothering his daughter (who was on youtube UNSUPERVISED and AGAINST THE RULES!!) So I gave up. But at least I got her to take the picture down! 🙂

    So basically, they know nothing at all about me, short of a few comments I left trying to convince the younger one not to engage in such dangerous behaviors on youtube but they’re convinced I’m a stalker! I find that’s always the way. Their father hasn’t even read through the vast mojority of comments and blog postings I’ve made. It’s always those who know the least about me who are the quickest to judge!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s